


so confused because i feel complete with her

by Splashy



Series: Songfics [7]
Category: The Prom - Sklar/Beguelin/Martin
Genre: Angst, F/F, Songfic, sorry - Freeform, this fic isn't very happy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-21
Updated: 2019-06-21
Packaged: 2020-05-15 17:22:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,883
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19300315
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Splashy/pseuds/Splashy
Summary: Everything's an actWhen you're pleasing everyone





	so confused because i feel complete with her

**Author's Note:**

> hey so yeah i'm getting into the prom
> 
> i was going to wait until i finished some stuff for wicked before I wrote and published anything for the prom but given the news yesterday of it closing, i felt i just had to write something
> 
> the characterization probably isn't great bc i havent had time to read a bunch of fanfics for this fandom yet like i normally do before i write fic. but i wanted to get this done quickly. and hey, this song fits so well. 
> 
> i tried to keep it close to canon but idk the Little Details yet so. rip.
> 
> song is from bare: a pop opera with the lyrics changed a bit
> 
> anyway i'm done rambling pls enjoy

_Everything's an act_  
_When you're pleasing everyone_  
_And she assumes that role_  
_To such renown_

Emma watches Alyssa as she tells Shelby and Kaylee to back off. She desperately tries to catch her eyes, but Alyssa is seemingly pointedly not looking at her. 

And Emma understands it. It’s all an act. It has to be. She has to please everyone, and she can’t do that by being herself. She has to hide and play a role. And she’s good at it. She knows how to do it, it just becomes second nature.

_She plays a perfect part_   
_Straight from her heart_   
_Knowing the risk she takes_   
_And hoping that the house_   
_Is not brought down_

Finally, Alyssa’s eyes flick to Emma’s. And Emma can see the sorrow so clearly painted in them. It causes her heart to clench until she can’t bear it anymore and looks down at her shoes. She knows how badly it hurts Alyssa to do this. 

Alyssa does her part so _perfectly._ It’s flawless. But she has to play it perfectly. If she slips up for just one moment, one glance, it could all come crashing down. And neither of them can afford that, not yet.

Because much as Emma wants to, much as she wants for them to be out, for Alyssa to be free of the clutches this city has trapped her in, she knows Alyssa isn’t ready. Not yet. But soon. Soon they’ll be able to love as they are, love who they love. And Emma can’t wait.

She just has to make sure Alyssa won’t regret it when it happens.

_The role of a lifetime, it's living a fantasy_  
_A drama that you struggle to erase_  
_Thoughts battle words over deeds_  
_A war with such casualties_  
_All played out behind a smiling face_

Alyssa turns away, and despite Emma’s previous thoughts, for just a brief moment she has the urge to call out to her. That’s all it would take. They didn’t have to wait for the prom that wasn’t going to happen, they could just do it now. Just a few words, that’s all she’d need. A couple of seconds and it could be over, they could be out.

But she can’t do it. They may have been planning to come out at prom, but Emma can’t come out for Alyssa. That’s something she has to do. She just hopes she’ll do it when the time comes, and not just hide behind her smiling face, the role she has come to accept.

_God I need your guidance_  
_Tell me what it means_  
_To live a life where nothing’s as it seems_

Emma hasn’t gone to church in so long. She never really felt like she belonged, not since she realized she’s a lesbian. It started to feel like she was intruding. But if there is a God out there, and if he’s really as accepting as the bible says, then why is the world like this? Why is she being treated so unfairly?

All she wants to do is love Alyssa openly and freely. To be able to walk down the halls, holding her hand. To kiss her in public without caring about what people would think. To hold her close, to never let go.

But they have to hide. No one can know about them. They have to live their lives in such a way that no one knows. No one knows how much they love each other.

_Spending days in silent fear_  
_And spending nights in lonely prayer_  
_Hoping that one day when you wake_  
_Those feelings won't be there_

During the day, they’re forced to only be able to exchange looks. And even that gets risky. But after school, Alyssa comes over to Emma’s house and there, they can be together. There, they can be themselves. She can love Alyssa freely and Alyssa can love Emma freely, and she wouldn’t trade it for anything.

Even so, Emma can’t help but think that maybe one day, she’ll wake up and feel normal. The feelings would leave and she can finally be accepted by her classmates, no longer shunned.

And maybe she would finally be accepted by her parents.

_So confused because I feel complete with her_  
_When we're alone it all somehow makes sense_

There’s one other place besides Emma’s grandma’s house where they can be together.

The band closet.

There, they can hide from the piercing stare of their classmates. They can cuddle, they can hug, they can kiss, and no one but themselves ever has to know about it.

Emma heads over there now, thinking about how being with Alyssa is the only thing that feels right. The world and this small town may damn them, but it doesn’t matter. Not as long as she has Alyssa with her.

_Look into her eyes for some compromise_  
_Remember the word, forget_  
_And try to bury something so intense_

A little later, Alyssa is there. Immediately Emma is running up to her and hugging her. It had been far too long since the last time they were able to do this. With everyone buzzing about prom closing and watching Emma like a hawk, they hadn’t been able to slip away like this.

She pulls back slightly, only enough to cup Alyssa’s face and kiss her. She can hear the sigh that escapes Alyssa’s lips as she kisses her back, lips curling just slightly into a smile. The kiss lasts longer than their usual ones in the band closet. But they haven’t been able to hang out at Emma’s house lately either, so she takes this while she can.

When they break apart, she finds herself just staring into Alyssa’s eyes. She’s overwhelmed with the feeling of how much she loves her. When they’re alone, everything is okay. Even if they can’t be out, not yet. But one day. One day they will be, and everything will be as it should be.

Her arms wrapped around Alyssa, with Alyssa’s arms around her, she thinks she can wait a little longer. Just so long as she has this.

_You learn to play the straight girl_  
_Your lines become routine_  
_Never really saying what you mean_

Alyssa has perfected the role of the “straight girl.” She knows how to act, what to say. 

But it’s all fake. It’s all a facade and they both know it. But Alyssa has no choice. She has to hide behind her facade of a straight girl, behind the role she has learned and adopted. She has to twist her words so nobody is suspicious. But it’s killing her slowly. She doesn’t get the chance to be truthful, to say what she _really_ wants to say. What she means.

_But I know the scene will change_  
_White picket fences, and a dog_  
_A trophy groom, and children_  
_God I know that's what she wants_

Emma worries it’s not enough. Can they keep reality at bay long enough? Will Alyssa work up the courage in time? 

She knows Mrs. Greene wants Alyssa to be the perfect wife, with a beautiful house, a husband, children. Mrs. Greene wants that for her, but does Alyssa want it too?

_But Alyssa what role do I play_  
_Am I a savior or a phase?_  
_Am I here to damn you?_  
_Or to help you navigate this maze_

She knows Alyssa isn’t ready to come out. But she wants them to be out. She wants it so bad, it becomes a physical ache in her chest. She’d give anything to hold her hand in public.

She needs to know if Alyssa truly wants to be with her. Is their relationship something that’ll last a long time? Or is it just a phase, and Alyssa will decide Emma isn’t worth her time? Will she decide Emma isn’t worth it and leave her for the life Mrs. Greene wants for her? And who’s to say Alyssa _doesn’t_ want that life?

She just wants to be with Alyssa. She wants to help her through these confusing times, to be by her side always.

_Where confusion is a crime_  
_So you fill your life with sound_  
_And if you dance like hell_  
_You hope you never touch the ground_

They were going to come out at prom. That had been their plan. And now they have another chance at it. The prom was coming back. 

 

But would Alyssa still have the courage to come out? If they go to prom, fill that moment with sound, with the magical feeling of _prom,_ maybe it’ll all be okay. They can be together. Who cares what anyone else thinks?

It’ll just be the two of them, alone in that moment as they dance, ignoring their students staring at them. Because they _don’t matter,_ not when Emma has Alyssa and Alyssa has Emma. 

_What happens when the music stops?_  
_In the silence will she stay?_  
_One day she'll realize that these feelings_  
_Aren't going away_

But even if it does happen, the moment won’t last forever. Their time of dancing would end, and they’d have to face the students. They’d have to face the real world, including Mrs. Greene. They’d find out how she’d react to finding out her daughter is a lesbian.

Would she throw Alyssa out, just as Emma’s parents did to her? Would Alyssa stay by her side, tell the world she loves Emma and she won’t ever leave her?

Or would she deny it, deny these feelings, deny _her?_

One day, she’s going to have to realize these feelings won’t go away. They’re here to stay. And Emma never wants to leave her.

_So we drive ourselves insane_  
_Spinning circles in our souls_  
_As we dance around and play pretend_  
_And once again_  
_Reprise our roles_

It’s the day of the prom, and Emma is buzzing with excitement and nervous energy. Soon, the whole world will know. Or, at least, this small town in Indiana will know. And for right now, that _is_ their whole world.

Walking in with Barry, she prepares herself to face Alyssa and to dance with her, to proclaim their love to everyone in there. To the students, to Mrs. Greene.

But no one is in there. No one, except for the principal, looking at her sadly. She can feel a pit of dread weighing her down. She doesn’t understand. Where is everyone? Why aren’t they here? This isn’t how it was supposed to go.

A moment later, and it feels like Emma’s entire world is crashing down on her. Alyssa isn’t here. None of the students are. They’re at the “normal prom,” excluding her. 

They were supposed to come out, but Alyssa isn’t ready. Why isn’t she ready? They’ve been planning this for months! This isn’t what was supposed to happen! She should’ve known Alyssa wasn’t ready. She should’ve supported her. She should’ve…

She should’ve called out to her. She should’ve just run up to her, hug her, tell her she loves her in front of everyone in that hallway. She should’ve known things would only go downhill if the prom happened.

She takes one look at the gym before she’s running out, tears gathering in her eyes. Alyssa isn’t here with her. She should be, but she’s not.

And she’s never felt more alone.


End file.
